My Crazy First 24 Hours in Ukraine (Spring 2011)

It all started with a night train from Krakow, Poland to Lviv, Ukraine. Before this trip even started all I heard from locals was to be extremely careful in Ukraine. There were even stories of whole carriages being gassed so that travelers could be robbed in their sleep. And with the language barrier, my friend and I were unsure of the whole customs procedure…would it happen on the train or would we be getting off someplace in the middle of the night? We never did get too comfortable in our bunks and waited for what would come. The first stop was to leave Poland. The officials came on, scanned our passports, gave us a stamp and that was that. We thought we were home free until the next stop when we realized we now had to pass through the Ukraine customs. They too boarded the train, with one official taking our passports to be returned at a later time, and another official whose job was apparently to question our nationality and try to extort money from us. You could see his eyes widen in excitement when he heard the word “America”. Thankfully he didn’t speak a word of English besides “dollar”. I played dumb and eventually said that all I had was a credit card (and just to be safe I had previously stuffed all my cash down my underpants). Unimpressed, the official finally gave up and our passports were returned with a stamp, and we were on our way into Ukraine. Of course we were hoping the worst was over but it was really just the beginning.

We arrived to Lviv early in the morning and proceeded to walk from the train station and get completely turned around, seeing the lesser know parts of the city. Finally a taxi delivered us to our hotel in the city center. We were immediately greeted by a friendly receptionist (who I assume was on drugs due to her strange behavior) and equally friendly, drunk hotel owner. We couldn’t really be bothered finding a new hotel by this point, but because it was so early we weren’t allowed to check in. We were however allowed to enjoy the complimentary breakfast, which turned out to be eggs, toast and caviar! I’m can’t imagine every guest gets caviar for breakfast, but we lucked out by joining the owner for breakfast. The other addition to breakfast which we hadn’t planned for was the owner’s half empty bottle of honey vodka and the company of his interesting group of friends. How could we say no to a friendly welcome shot or three at 8 in the morning? We didn’t worry until a brand new bottle showed up and then we politely excused ourselves and ran to explore the city. We later found out that all guests receive a “welcome beer” upon arrival, something that we were able to enjoy later that night.

During the day we decided to continue our explorations and head up to the High Castle that looks down on the city. As we neared the path the top, my friend Brett turned to me with a look of sheer terror on his face, grasping at his money belt saying that he had lost his passport! I’m sure the look on my face was equally as impressive. His money belt was unzipped, wide open, with money half sticking out. Apparently he had forgotten to zip it up before heading out, and somewhere on our journey the passport and a bunch of Ukrainian money had spilled out without us (or anyone else?) noticing. We retraced our steps, but soon realized it was hopeless unless he had simply left it at the hotel. We raced back to the hotel, ran up the stairs, only to confirm our fears…Brett had lost his passport in the middle of nowhere Ukraine. The new receptionist was helpful, spoke perfect English, and luckily we had already bought our train tickets to Kiev early the following morning. All we could do now was try and enjoy the rest of the day.

The receptionist gave us directions to Keyivka, a popular bar with the locals. We showed up only to find a guy in military uniform and rifle guarding the front door. We soon realized it’s all for show and the theme of the bar is War. The doorman asked the people in front of us a series of questions, apparently a test to enter the bar. When it came to us he soon realized we’re foreigners, guessing we’re from Sweden, England and a series of other European countries. He was pleasantly surprised to hear we’re from the US. With minimal English he then proceeded to teach us a few Ukrainian phrases which serve as our entrance test. We are then instructed to take a shot of honey vodka and pass through a secret entrance behind a fake bookcase. A stairway lead downward to a series of rooms decked out as imitation bunkers, complete with war paraphernalia. We finally found a seat and were immediately befriended by a couple locals eager to practice their English. Everyone there was in a great mood, and when a local traditional band passed through the bar everyone joined in to sing along. We later learned there’s a shooting range in the back of the bar. Before leaving we joined the line and got a chance to shoot air rifles at targets of Lenin’s head.

We finally made it back to the hotel. It was so important to make that train the following morning so that Brett can get his new passport. The receptionist was nice enough to call a taxi to schedule a pickup time and also agreed to make sure we’re awake the following morning. As in turns out, there was no problem waking up early the next day. We quickly got ready for the day and Brett went down to reception to turn in the key while I finished packing up. The next thing I know, Brett is back up the stairs saying the doors are locked. Not just reception, but all the front doors of the hostel. I go down to confirm that basically we’re completely locked in, no receptionist in sight even though there’s a cup of hot coffee sitting on the desk. Our only move was to head down into the basement where the kitchen is, hoping to find someone who works there to let us out. The basement was a labyrinth of rooms, doors, Jacuzzi and random storage closets with nobody in sight. We’re trapped and started banging on doors, yelling out, checking anything with a handle. Not a sound. In the back of our minds we’re thinking the taxi’s out front, nobody’s turning up, he’s probably ready to take off. Frantically we search around and I open a closet full of junk, but notice what looks to be a long light fixture in the ceiling with light around the edges. I decided to reach up and try to tear it out, hoping we can then climb up through the hole. As it turns out, the fixture was really one of those trapdoors used in attics with a ladder attached. All I could see was light above and scrambled up into the hotel courtyard, yelling for Brett to join me. We cram the room key in a door, and run to the front door without taking time to even close the trapdoor behind us. Thankfully there’s a taxi waiting and the rest was a happy ending. The first 24 hours were over, we made it to Kiev, got a new passport and enjoyed the rest of the trip, even if it was a little less exciting. Now what’s all this crazy talk about being careful in Ukraine? It’s a great place as long as you pick your hotel wisely and remember to zip up.